Swim Like A Stone
by Jimperbam
Summary: Fili and Kili's well-intentioned prank goes a bit awry, but Bilbo, ever the good sport, covers for them from their suspicious uncle. (Thilbo if you squint!)


Yeah, so I write for Hobbit, too! Apparently-I mean, after 24 hours of bingeing Hobbit fics, this was inevitable. You can prooobably expect a few more of these, and for my subscribers, I WILL finish the other HTTYD in-progress fic. And if anyone watches me for Star Trek, I got your back too. But enough of my crappy excuses. I hope you like this and would particularly like feedback on how it's written! Love to all!

Obligatory Disclaimer: I don't own Hobbit, but if I did, there'd be some hella differences with how the fight for Erebor ended...

oOoOo

Bilbo was unwinding on a log a safe distance from the fire-the evening was unseasonably warm for the beginning of autumn-when the pair of identical grins beaming down at him made him look up in resignation.

"We found something interesting," Kili said immediately, his tone positively quivering with excitement.

Fili continued slightly more coolly, "As our burglar, we thought you might want to take a look."

"Oh?" Bilbo fixed the young brothers with the most stern look he could manage. "Like you thought I might want to _take a look_ at the troll camp?"

Kili waved away the rather recent misadventure. "We'll be right there with you this time. Quickly, before it gets too dark to see!"

Foreseeing regret in his near future, Bilbo rose with a sigh and followed the pair out of the safety of the clearing and into the woods. "This had better not take long," he called ahead. "Dinner is almost ready, and our absence will not go unnoticed!"

"Right you are, Master Burglar!" Fili returned jovially. "It's just past these trees!"

Bilbo noticed nothing particularly intriguing about their destination. A short, steep bank led to a lazily rolling river. There weren't even useful herbs growing among the waterside greenery.

"Lovely place for a swim," Bilbo quipped, waiting for someone to reveal what was so fascinating about this particular spot.

"Yes, we were thinking the same thing."

He only had time to catch the mischief in Kili's voice before two sets of hands tipped him forward. He lost his footing on the slippery mud and was briefly airborne before landing in the water with a mighty splash. Bilbo's natural buoyancy brought him up; he came cursing his trusting nature. His head breached the surface. He had only a moment to draw breath, with which he intended to lecture the boys, but he sunk again before he could form a single word.

Panicked, Bilbo clawed at the water, desperate to see the coloring sky instead of the murky river bottom. He choked on his own air and accidentally inhaled. _Confusticate those two_, he thought angrily, _I'm going to drown for the punchline of a prank!_

No sooner had the idea occurred to him was he hoisted out of the water. He sputtered as air sought to banish liquid from its rightful place in his chest. His fingers sought something to reassure him of dry land. He clutched a tuft of grass and a leather boot.

"Are you alright?" Fili demanded, patting Bilbo's back through the coughs. "Mahal, we didn't mean _that_!"

"We almost killed our burglar!" Kili exclaimed, horrified at the notion.

"No harm done," Bilbo gasped. "It's just that-hobbits-hobbits swim like stones!"

"Yes, we noticed." Fili gently helped Bilbo sit up. "We would not have pushed you had we known, I swear it. We meant you no harm."

I'm fine. Just need to catch my breath. Help me up, there, would you?"

The brothers lifted the hobbit to his feet. It was momentarily disorienting. Bilbo shook the water out of his ears and straightened his soaked shirt. "Yes. Well. Very nice, that. I'll have to sit by the fire in this heat to dry off!"

Kili said solemnly, "Uncle will skin us alive."

"And why would he do that?"

The three of them started at the deep, even voice. Thorin observed the scene with only a raised eyebrow, taking in his two guilty-looking nephews and one sodden hobbit. "It seems there is a story to be told here, and I should be interested to hear it."

Bilbo glanced quickly at his companions. Their indiscretion was apparent from their bowed heads and solemn silence. Bilbo sighed internally. It _had_ been an accident, and Kili was right in saying Thorin would not react well to this prank gone wrong. He knew what he had to do.

"The story is that I would have been swept down the river if not for these two," Bilbo said lightly.

Thorin's raised eyebrow focused on Bilbo, so he missed Fili and Kili gape at the pure lie. "Is that so?"

"It is indeed. I strayed a bit too close to the edge and lost my footing in the mud. Luckily the lads were on their toes."

Thorin was silent for a long time. Bilbo could not tell if he bought the story. Finally Thorin said to his nephews, "Go back to camp. Dinner is waiting."

The pair did not dawdle. Kili shot a grateful glance over his shoulder as they fled. Bilbo took a step to follow them, but Thorin stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

"Are you going to tell me what really happened?" he asked.

"Wh-What really happened? I'm afraid I don't follow."

Thorin sighed. "I have been around those two long enough to know their fondness for mischief, sometimes at the expense of others. You should not cover for them. They need to learn to accept the consequences of their actions."

"They're just children," Bilbo scolded mildly. "It was just a bit of fun."

"And how _fun_ would it have been had I needed to come fishing for you?" Thorin snapped.

Bilbo did not know what made him say it. He blamed a waterlogged brain for the somewhat unheard of bit of smartness. "I did not know you were that accomplished a fisherman."

Thorin's eyes widened at the shocking word of impudence from the Halfling. He was summarily speechless.

Bilbo fidgeted nervously under the Dwarf king's piercing gaze, fearing Thorin would return a tongue-lashing once he remembered how to use it. He decided not to give him that chance. "So, you mentioned dinner? Yes, delicious, I do believe I smell it from here!"

And he dashed off to the safety of the camp, leaving Thorin to ponder the strangeness of Shire folk before following.

Bilbo secured a bowl of stew and tried to make himself as small and unassuming as possible while he ate. Thorin occasionally threw appraising looks his way; Bilbo didn't know if he was preparing a rant or if the gleam in his eye was one of slight pride.

Fili and Kili slunk over to join Bilbo, also avoiding their uncle's eye. "Sorry again for almost drowning you," Fili murmured.

"Yes, alright, you're forgiven."

"Why is Uncle staring at you like that?"

"I, um, may have accidentally sassed him." Bilbo gave a nervous chuckle.

Kili let out a low whistle of amazement. "Your bravery is truly unrivaled, Mister Baggins."

"Don't think I fibbed for you out of the kindness of my heart," Bilbo said, again attempting to be stern.

The brothers grinned at each other. "Fair enough. What do you want? We do owe you," Kili agreed.

"You, my jolly Dwarfs, are going to take my watch tonight."

They groaned but did not protest, for losing a bit of extra sleep was nothing in comparison to admitting to Thorin what they'd almost done.

Bilbo nodded triumphantly and returned to his meal. His eyes were trained on his bowl, so he missed the small smile that graced Thorin's face from across the fire.


End file.
